reminds me of an AU I miss very badly  




"But in the face? Come on…"


"I’m a doctor, people don’t usually come at me like they’re swinging for the fences at Fenway or Yankee Stadium."

Shrugging Natasha smirked. “Training means training. Doctor or not your face wouldn’t be safe.” 

{{getting off because I’m not comfortable tagging spoilers because the things I’ve reblogged are all from the comics and I’m like if you know the comics but whetev. SO… as a courtesy i’m just getting off. so bye}}




"Was that really necessary?"

"You wanted to train, you have to get hit, quickest way to learn not to get hit. Is to get hit."  

That man on the bridge… I knew him.











How incredibly interesting it was.  Had it been someone Anna valued asking those questions, it might have bothered her.  But this woman?  Just another in a line of many who thought they could goad the telepath into reacting.  Her time with a god taught her all too well about what it meant never to crack.

If I wanted to manipulate you, Natalia, I certainly wouldn’t ask about killing,” Anna left the smile on her face.  Shades of Jade.  Of the woman she’d been turned into.  ”No, I would ask you about far deeper things.  About roses.  Even then, you’d keep that pretty, shiny, veneer on your face.  But we both know that control only goes so far down.”

Her head tilted at the mention of suffering.  Of the puppet she’d become.  Though Jade was mostly gone, the parts of her that still existed kept the outside just as placid as the face that Natasha presented.  ”In the beginning?  The suffering was—exquisite.  The kind that only a god can truly provide,” though Anna no longer believed him a god, his methods were still the same, “As you well know, memories can never be truly erased.  The senses hold onto things.  The brain buries them so very deep.  But they are always there.  Even now, the woman that I am?  Isn’t really Anna.  She died in a room on Asgard.  This person?  An entirely new animal.  I just have nothing else to call myself, so Anna will have to do.”

Nat laughed, it was hollow clearly hollow she didn’t even try to hide it at the mention of roses.She wasn’t going there, not with some self entitled brat who thinks she was treated as any other agent of SHIELD would’ve been. 

"Loki is no god." she corrected. "He’s a coward, a trickster, and easily manipulated." she purred out.

"Memories are so tricky aren’t they, one moment they can break you if you can’t control your emotions, and other times they can make you stronger. Oh she’s Anna, and she’s Jade. You’re narrow minded to think you are an entirely new thing. That’s your problem. That is what will make you weak. I know who I am, all the facets, all the faces and identities I’ve worn, been programmed to think, I’m not just Natalia, I’m Natasha, a Widow, I’m the assassin the red room trained, the agent shield made me, but I understand what I am. Tell me do you? Do you understand what you are, and who you are? Because right now i see what I used to be. A hollow shell keeping the stone expression on your face, sure you’ve lasted this long, but sooner or later you’re going to self destruct. Although I’d love to see just what happens when a telepath self destructs. With people it’s usually  drugs, alcohol, but we’re a different breed. We know just what we’re capable of, and that the things we are, we did, we can’t get rid of them with a bottle. I wonder what a telepath will do."



Then wipe him and start over.

But no, I want to talk about this. That look of fear and desperation he has. He knows what’s coming, and he knows he can’t stop it. He knows he’s on to something, and he is so confused. His face is like a child’s, he doesn’t know what’s going on, and it scares him. He’s used to not knowing the full information, but this is the first time he is conscious of it. And he knows the pain he’s about to go through. That look is not the look of a villain. It’s the look of a boy asking for help, and the only person who can give it to him is the person he’s going to have to kill.

That’s because Bucky Barnes was never a fucking villain. He was a tool that was used against his will. He had the power to make decisions stripped away from him. He did not choose this, nor would he have ever chosen this. Both in the comics and MCU. 

I get so pissed off when people call him a villain and compare him to Loki because NO SHUT UP YOU;RE FUCKING WRONG. 

Loki chose his path. Loki chose to throw a cosmic level temper tantrum and Loki chose to continue on his course. Bucky was NEVER EVER give then option to choose for himself. Any time his programming cracked, any time he fought or questioned his orders and his superior officers, he was put in stasis, had his memory completely wiped and was reprogrammed to ensure his mindless obedience.

"Project: Winter Soldier
Scientific Analysis, 7 June 1957
A comprehensive mental evaluation of Codename: Winter Soldier was conducted over the course of the past week. Diagnoses are varied, but most in Dept. X Science Team believe that his mental state is becoming unstable. In the three years since he was awakened from stasis, it appears his mind is seeking to fill in the holes in his memory or possibly rebelling against the implanted programming he received originally. The subject has recently begun to exhibit more than usual curiosity, even to the point of questioning orders from superiors, and once in the past month, he attacked a fellow operative, nearly killing him. On interrogation, he could not explain his actions.

One theory is that just as he has reflex-memories which allow him to be such an effective operative, he may also have a deeply buried sense of who he was, or at least of what kind of person he was. As such, this deeply buried idea may be causing him mental stress and triggering turmoil in his thoughts. Another theory, which is more disturbing, is that he may actually be remembering his previous life, though in small pieces only. It is therefore our recommendation that Codename: Winter Soldier be kept in stasis between missions, and that he undergo Mental Implantation at every awakening. We believe this will correct his instability issues, so he can continue to be of use to Department X.”

- Captain America Vol. 5 #11


Mikhail: ”<You forget your place, Winter Soldier. Comrade Karpov will hear of this!>”
Bucky: ”THEN LET HIM!”
Bucky: ”That was the first time they saw the cracks in their conditioning, so I was ‘put away’ between missions like Christmas decorations stashed in the attic. I continued as their killing machine and the real me was kept locked in my head for decades… Until Cap fixed me. And all the horrors I committed came rushing back like a tsunami. I might have put a bullet in my brain to quiet the ghosts… if not for Natasha.”

- Captain America & Bucky #624

Furthermore, he is remorseful for the things he was FORCED to do as the Winter Soldier. It haunts him and he feel GUILTY for everything as he remembers them.

This is not a villain. This was never a villain. James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes, aka The Winter Soldier, is not a villain. He is the slave of a villain, used, abused and used some more and then put in a glass tube to sleep until hey need him to kill things again.

And yes, the comic parallel DOES matter. Sebastian Stan read ALL the comics to get into character and Ed Brubaker oversaw the production of CA:TWS. It’s fucking relevent as shit. Because no matter if we’re talking about MCU or the comics, Bucky Barnes was still scooped out of a body of water by his ENEMIES, fitted with a cybernetic arm to replace the one he lost, brainwashed and forced to do someone else’s dirty work. And the minute he questioned his orders, they started all over again.

This is not a villain. It’s a slave. And I will never stop screaming about this.


I was talking in broad terms, dear.  I don’t trust you.  I see the deep down and know better.”


Her head fell back in a deep laugh.  ”He sent the Lady Sif to retrieve Lorelei?  And you fools believe it’s still Odin in charge, don’t you?  Loki now rules Asgard in the guise of his father,” her laughter slowly abated, “Which means he sent his enemy to retrieve his pet.  I must say, as much I despise him, he really is brilliant.”  

It was interesting.  The game Natasha believed she could play with Anna.  She said it herself.  Anna’s abilities had become finely tuned during her time as Jade.  The pretty little memories that floated at the surface, ones that gave rise to the types of training the other woman had endured, were nothing.  Easily wiped away by the telepath.  ”What you believe you allow me to see?  Should that impress me?  Intimidate me?  What are you going for here?” Another laugh, “Do you think I’m a carnival hawker?  Here to guess your age?  I must say, you wear your age well.  For a senior citizen.”

How ridiculous.  No, she didn’t underestimate the Widow.  She never would.  That being said, it seemed the woman was intent on underestimating her.  ”Tell me, do you remember what it feels like to kill children,” her head tipped, “Or to touch a beating heart just before the beating stops?”

The widows eyebrow raised momentarily, knowing and feeling exactly which memories the telepath had reached. Her face still stone expression less. This was fun for the widow, something new. a challenge, and she was going to enjoy pushing her. She wondered just how far she was able to go. 

"I don’t have emotions that you can manipulate." she smiled. "Or rather, I’ve been finely tuned to ignore them. So Killing a child? Is no different then killing a man, or even you. As for touching a beating heart as it ends? Tsk Tsk, murder is so easy don’t you think? Killing so quick, so boring. Making people suffer is an art." 

"Just how much did Loki make you suffer?" she began, slowly. "Tell me were you completely unaware of Anna as you slaughtered, killed, whatever if was he had his little puppet do. Or were you there, just underneath the surface screaming like a scared little girl, wanting to stop but for some reason you just couldn’t, couldn’t stop killing, couldn’t stop dancing as your puppet master pulled the strings."